Oh, fuck, wank, bugger , shitting arsehead and hole

Oh, fuck, wank, bugger[1], shitting arsehead[2] and hole.

No, really. I'm just feeling so rotten[3].

Doesn't mean I'm not terribly concerned that your wife just died.

Yes, I would like that very much indeed.

Good morning. I had an uncle called Terence.

Hated him, I think he was a pervert[4]. But I very much like the look of you.

- Hello, Natalie. - Hello, David. I mean, sir.

Shit, I can't believe I've just said that.

And now I've gone and said "shit". Twice. I'm so sorry, sir.

You could've said "fuck" and we'd have been in real trouble.

Thank you, sir. I had a premonition[5] I was gonna fuck[6] up on my first day.

Oh, piss it!

- It's all right. - Did you see what I did?

- Yes, I did. - I just went "blurh"[7].

- Lovely, obliging[8] girl. - Yeah.

I thought I'd pop back and see if she's better. This is good.

- Delicious delicacy? - Er, no, thanks.

Taste explosion?

- Food? - No, thanks.

Yeah, a bit dodgy[9], isn't it?

Looks like a dead baby's finger. Oooh.

Oh. Tastes like it, too.

I'm Colin, by the way.

- I've worked out why I can't find true love. - Why is that?

English girls. They're stuck up[10], you see.

And I am primarily attractive to girls who are cooler, game for a laugh.

Like American girls. So I should just go to America!

I'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?

I think it's crap, Colin.

That's where you're wrong.

American girls would dig me[11] with my cute British accent.

- You don't have a cute British accent. - Yes, I do! I'm going to America.

Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole. Accept it.

Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.

- Harry? - Sarah,

switch off your phone and tell me exactly how long it is that you've been working here.

Two years, seven months,

three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?

And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?

Um...

Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and minutes.

Thought as much.

- Do you think everybody knows? - Yes.

- Do you think Karl knows? - Yes.

Oh, that is... that is bad news.

I just thought that maybe the time had come to do something about it.

- Like what? - invite him out for a drink

then casually mention you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies.

- You know that? - Yes.

And so does Karl.

- Ask me anything, I'll tell you the truth. - Best shag[12] you ever had?

- Britney Spears. - Wow.

No, only kidding! (Snorts)

- She was rubbish. - OK, here's one.

Who do you have to screw round here to get a cup of tea and a biscuit?

I've bought a ticket to the States. I'm off in three weeks.

- No. - Yes!

- To a fantastic place called Wisconsin. - No!

Yes! Wisconsin babes, here comes Sir Colin!

No, Col! There are a few babes in America, I grant you,

but they're going out with rich, attractive guys.

Tone, you're just jealous.

You know perfectly well that any bar anywhere in America

contains ten girls more beautiful and more likely to have sex with me

- than the whole of the United Kingdom. - That is total bollocks[13]. You're mad.

No, I'm wise. Stateside I am Prince William without the weird family.

- No, Colin, no! - Yes!

- Nyet! - Da!

- Nein! - Ja, darling!

Get a grip[14].

People hate sissies[15].

No one's ever gonna shag you if you cry all the time.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Helpful.

Well, erm, where do you live, for instance?

Wandsworth. The dodgy end[16].

- Ah, my sister lives in Wandsworth. - Oh.

So which exactly is the dodgy end?

At the end of the high street, Harris Street, near the Queen's Head.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that is dodgy. - Hm.

And what does she, he, feel about you?

SHE doesn't even know my name.

And even if she did, she'd despise me.

She's the coolest girl in school.

And everyone worships her because she's heaven.

Good. Good.

Well,

basically you're fucked, aren't you?

- What's it like? - Good. Good.

It's an art gallery. Full of dark corners for doing dark deeds.

Oh. Right.

It's very close to my heart. Just give me a second.

I'll give you anything you ask for.

As long as it's not something I don't wanna give.

Mr President, has it been a good visit?

Very satisfactory indeed.

We got what we came for

and our special relationship is still very special.

Prime Minister?

I love that word "relationship". Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?

I fear that this has become a bad relationship.

A relationship based on the President taking what he wants

and casually ignoring all those things that really matter to, erm...

Britain.

We may be a small country but we're a great one, too.

The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles,

- Sean Connery, Harry Potter. - (Laughter)

- David Beckham's right foot. - (Laughter)

David Beckham's left foot, come to that.

And a friend who bullies us is no longer a friend.

And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward,

I will be prepared to be much stronger.

And the President should be prepared for that.

Which doll for Daisy's friend Emily?

The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?

(Female DJ) 'It's almost enough to make you feel patriotic,

'so here's one for our arse-kicking[17] prime minister.

Annie, my darling, my dream, my boat.

Ah...

- Need you to do a favour for me. - Of course.

Anything for the hero of the hour.

Don't ask me why, and don't read stuff into this,

it's just a weird personality thing.

But, erm, you know Natalie who works here?

The chubby girl?

Ooh, would we call her chubby?

I think there's a pretty sizeable arse there, yes, sir. Huge thighs.

Yeah. Well, whatever, erm...

I'm sure she's a lovely girl but I wonder if you could, erm...

redistribute her?

It's done.

Looking for anything in particular, sir?

Yes. That necklace there, how much is it?

It's 270 pounds .

- Erm, all right. Er, I'll have it. - Lovely.

Would you like it...giftwrapped?

- Yes, all right. - Lovely.

Let me just pop it in the box.

There.

- Look, could we be quite quick? - Certainly, sir.

Ready in the flashiest of flashes[18].

- There. - That's great.

Not quite finished.

- I don't need a bag, I'll put it in my pocket. - Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.

- Really? - This is so much more than a bag.

Ooh!

Could we be quite quick, please?

Prontissimo.

- What's that? - A cinnamon stick, sir.

- Actually, I really can't wait. - You won't regret it, sir.

Want to bet?

'Tis but the work of a moment.

There we go. Almost finished.

Are you gonna dip it in yogurt? Cover it with chocolate buttons?

No, sir, we're going to pop it in the Christmas box.

I don't want a Christmas box.

- But you wanted it giftwrapped. - I did but...

- The final flourish. - Can I pay?

- All we need now... - Oh, God.

-..is a sprig of holly. - No, no, no, no.

- No bloody holly. - But sir...

- Leave it. - Ooh!

- Where are you staying? - I don't actually know.

I'll just check into a motel like in the movies.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is so cute.

No, no, no, listen. This may be a bit pushy cos[19] we just met you but...

why don't you come back and sleep at our place?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, if it's not too much of an inconvenience.

- Hell no! - But there's one problem.

What?

Well, we're not the richest of girls, you know.

So we just have a little bed and no couch.

So you'd have to share with all three of us.

And on this cold, cold night it's gonna be crowded and sweaty and stuff.

And we can't even afford pyjamas.

No?

Which means...

we would be naked.

No, no, I think it'd be fine.

Come on, let's get pissed[20] and watch porn.

(Natalie) 'Dear sir, Dear David,

Merry Christmas and I hope you have a very happy New Year.

I'm very sorry about the thing that happened.

It is a very odd moment and I feel like a prize idiot[21].

Particularly because -

if you can't say it at Christmas, when can you, eh? -

I'm actually yours. With love, your Natalie.

You're not who I think you are, are you?

Yes and I'm sorry about all the cockups[22].

My cabinet are absolute crap. We hope to do better next year.

Merry Christmas to you.

- (Chatting stops suddenly) - Ah. Hello.

Is, er, Natalie in?

Oh, where the fuck is my fucking coat?

- Oh. Hello. - Hello.

Erm, this is my mum and my dad and my Uncle Tony and my Auntie Glynne.

- Hello. - Very nice to meet you.

And, erm...this is the Prime Minister.

Love actually

[21] Чувствовать себя полным идиотом

[22] Досадное недоразумение